I Called Someone an As*hole in Church

Written by Michael Bonner

On Christmas Eve of all times too. No, I am not bragging and yes, I feel horrible calling someone a few bad words in church but I need to explain before you judge me.

I get to the service about 30 minutes early with my family. My friend, Angel was there with his family too. We start talking about our jobs with Uber and Lyft when someone behind us says, “Maybe you guys should sit closer together so you’re not as loud.”

First of all, the whole church was talking. Everyone was happy and no one was complaining about the noise, except the person behind me. I turned around to see who they were and was immediately introduced to the baby Hulk. An older guy with big muscles, tight slacks and an extra shmedium dress shirt.

Ok, so I’m dealing with a minor case of roid rage. It’s Christmas Eve so no big deal. I say to the gentleman, “I promise, you won’t hear a word once the service starts.” His response? “Well MAYBE I’m trying to pray.” Really? With all the people talking around us, my conversation was distracting his conversation with the man upstairs, and maybe.

That was all it took. I turned around again, looked him straight in the eye and said…”Are you really trying to be an as*hole in church?”

Bad words for a man who deserved it.

I was angry. My body was on fire for what seemed like an eternity. However, half a second later, my girlfriend kind of nudged me back to reality and all I could feel after that was regret.

I have never cursed or used bad words in church. I felt like the ultimate sinner. It wasn’t even my church. My kids were sitting next to me, shocked, I had set a very bad example and it sounded like everyone in earshot had stopped talking in disbelief. Who knows? Maybe they were just excited to see what might happen next.

What really bothered me was to think about why we were singled out. It couldn’t have been how loud we were. I mean, the priest came out with an awesome Christmas coat, speaking on the mic much louder than any one of us. Maybe our conversation about Lyft and Uber revealed how poor we were and disqualified us from some social or religious status.

It couldn’t have been the fact that we were the only minority family sitting over in that section. Nobody is racist anymore, especially in church. Are they?

At the end of the day, his reasons for being an as*hole didn’t justify my actions by calling him one in church. I may have stood up to the bully but I lost control and perhaps my soul in the process.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to judge me. I’ve already judged myself.

*washes mouth out with soap.

About the author

Michael Bonner

Michael Bonner is a dedicated father to 3 amazing kids. Born and raised in San Diego, California, he currently resides in Las Vegas, Nevada. Determined to win a "Dad of the Year" award from just about anywhere, Michael spends most of his time working, learning and trying to be a positive example for his children...again, he's trying.

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